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  1. Big Tech Is Big

    Apple, Microsoft, and Google approached analysts’ expectations the way Joey Chestnut approaches a plate of three hot dogs. Here’s a rundown of the earnings demolition in 130 words.

    Apple, the world’s most valuable public company, said profits nearly doubled last quarter, iPhone sales jumped an impressive 50%, and revenue for every major product line grew at least 12% annually.

    Microsoft had its most profitable quarter ever thanks to greater demand for its cloud-computing services and workplace software. CEO Satya Nadella said the words “enterprise metaverse” on the earnings call and not even he knew what it meant.

    Alphabet, Google’s parent company, said ad revenue increased 69% [redacted joke]. The real highlight was YouTube—with $7 billion in quarterly revenue it’s oh so close to eclipsing Netflix’s sales numbers ($7.3 billion).

    DR. DAVID EDWARD MARCINKO MBA

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